Status Quo

"How old are they?"

I hate this question. Everywhere we go, strangers walk up to us and ask if my children are twins, followed by the dreaded "How old are they?"  The only way to avoid this conversation is to never go outside.  Which is not reality.

"Fourteen months old," I say, and smile.  Inwardly I grimace, waiting for the inevitable.

"So they're walking now?"  There it is.

"No, not yet," I say.

"Aren't they supposed to be walking by now?"

At this point I want to wrap my children in my arms and disappear.  Other times I feel obligated to explain why they are not yet walking.  Why don't people understand that developmental milestones happen when a child is ready?  Many toddlers don't walk until 18 months and they are perfectly fine.  Our pediatrician told us that our kids will be caught up by age two, that it is normal for twins to develop a little later because they are smaller at birth.  It is for this reason that my children have received early intervention services since they were five months old.  My daughter has made so much progress that once she walks she will test out of the program entirely.  My son is making progress too, but more slowly.

To be truthful, my son has been labeled at-risk.

What does this mean?  At-risk is the label given to children when they are too young for a diagnosis but there are red-flags indicating differences in typical development.  My son IS reaching milestones - he learned to sit up by himself at 14 months.  He has been army-crawling, or creeping, for almost two weeks now.  He knows how to take turns in conversation; although, while his sister babbles and learns new words, his singular sound for months has been ah.  Our son has many intervention goals - to crawl using his knees, to stand, to walk, to develop more vowel and consonant sounds, to eventually say a few words.   Does it matter that he is developing more slowly than expected?  Well, no... and yes.

Our children have the early childhood equivalent of an IEP - individualized education plan - usually written for school-age children with disabilities.  Our son's paperwork identifies a communication disorder and motor delay.  As educators, my wife and I know that intensive early intervention is the best strategy for dealing with these developmental issues.  We are aware that our son may be 100% typical and may catch up naturally to his same-age peers by age 2 or 3, with or without intervention.  Given certain factors, we are also aware that he is likely to be diagnosed with autism or developmental delay.

I am drawing upon my skill set as a teacher, and using books such as The Activity Kit for Babies and Toddlers at Risk: How to Use Everyday Routines to Build Social and Communication Skills during our daily play.  My wife called numerous clinics and hospitals in different states and chose a hospital that performs a full evaluation and assessment at 15 months; all others assess children 18 months or older.  We decided to be proactive. This way we can know for sure.  If our child turns out to be on the autism spectrum, we will be able to get him services even sooner.

Nothing truly prepares you for hearing "at-risk."  Educators use this phrase regularly, almost clinically, when looking at student data.  But a parent doesn't want to hear these words.  My son is a smart, funny, sweet, cuddly, exuberant little boy.  He also has a unique set of needs for us to address.  My wife and I have been matter-of-fact about this, both of us operating in take-action mode.  My son's differences were most obvious to me the day we went to a parent group luncheon and I saw my child against the backdrop of other same-age toddlers.  That day I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of our situation and cried.  Yet it is also our status quo.  We have two wonderful, happy children, and all is well as long as we keep up the work and stop comparing our son to other children.  This is why I want to rage and scream when strangers ask innocuous yet judgmental questions.

"Shouldn't they be walking by now?"